Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Why you watching this shit?”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Huge”.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”