The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
You Might Also Like
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’ve been learning to cook.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I had to Stop for this
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.