what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.