[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume