*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.