[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.