[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.