Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls