Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
There’s never enough good news
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I just tested negative for patience.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES