10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
You Might Also Like
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…