My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
checking out some reviews of my local library