One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I am, perchance
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet