Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My love language is deader than Latin
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team