My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
dogs can find happiness so easily
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]