You Might Also Like
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Genius idea!!
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.