“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Breaking news:
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Weirdly Wednesday.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.