when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time