911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.