If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
You Might Also Like
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Oh my god
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.