[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower