Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious