*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
twitter is a journey
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.