Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Someone just threatened to call me later
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.