[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Okay me first
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?