Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
rapatouille