Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me too
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*