before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.