People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.