My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.