Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
💯😂
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
This is so me 😂😂
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it