Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes