Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road