Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.