5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started