[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
omg leave her alone
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks