Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
No laws when master is gone
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!