Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.