Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My current situation
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.