Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“I’m helping” 😅
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation