I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
she has a point
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.