Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Grandmother clock.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
wow he looks just like him
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.