*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Sunday
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
plant them where lol
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters