$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.