[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone