[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.