I didn’t come here to be called names
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome