We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate