Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’