I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”