candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
There is no “we” in pizza
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.